Search This Blog

Monday, January 17, 2011

There is no Great Plan Here

I haven't really developed a plan yet. I suppose I am just lingering in a doorway. Leaning against the frame, allowing the eyes of my consciousness adjust to the lighting within before I enter. I keep catching glimpses of images scurrying about, but nothing has become clear in detail yet. There has been a connection from one choice to something I experienced in my childhood here and there.... for example - I was thinking about my relationship with Ex. Why did I cling to Ex in such an unhealthy way? I know there are the usual reasons of youth and ignorance. I had no idea what my boundaries were so how could I enforce them? I do feel we were spiritually linked. There was circular karma ages old there. I can make an immediate connection with the young girl I was.... so furious at my Mother for not MAKING it work with my Father. I was so sure that if she had just tried a little bit harder that my sadness would not have to exist. I missed my Daddy. I wanted to be with him. I promised - unconsciously - to make sure that I didn't 'give up' on the people that I Loved. That kept me bound to Ex beyond any conscious choice that I had made. I can see the remnants of this lingering in the shadows inside.... but there is not enough light across the entire expanse to really see clearly the details of the impact it has had.

I am ready to enter, but I have no direction I must travel. Again. I am open. I will walk slowly in presence and let things appear as the light shines upon them. I have gathered some tools. I have books which I am going to read. I have a zafu. I have a yoga mat. I have friends and I have Love.
Allowing myself to accept and to be open has worked really well for me lately. The Universe, God, Love, etc. has been making great efforts to show me that it is rewarding to float. That lying back in the water toes wiggling freely and head turned towards the sky will give the river the freedom to carry me. Sure there will be rocks which will scrape me and maybe even a drop or two... but I shall not drown and I will be stronger because of the journey.
The Books: (the first shift of many)

If you have read any of these books I would be delighted to discuss them with you!
I am also listening to an audio book in my car while I drive to and from work each day. I started listening to The Shadow Effect

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Honoring the Fear

I was listening to my favorite woman artist of all time. Alanis Morisette giving an interview on Conscious Transitions with Sheryl Paul. She was speaking of her transition from an individualist to that of wife and shortly after wife, mother. She spoke of her fears of letting go of the individualist and entering into the role. She is so very brave and raw and honest with herself and has done so much work to evolve as a human being and I found myself fervently motivated to spend some time with myself. To give over to introspection and to scrape out all of the spurs which have dug themselves so deep that I have become quite used to them. They linger beneath, not in the muscles of emotion or the conscious irritation of nerve endings they are in my bones and I am almost unaware of them. I say almost because I've been so elated, so happy and so in Love that I've slowed in my progress of evolving, but I have had moments of fear. Deep paralyzing fear that manifests itself in strange ways.

I've become complacent with certain matters of the heart. The Love of my life has induced the greatest levels of intimacy I have ever experienced, yet I know that I have also become withdrawn from true intimacy on some levels lately. I would imagine that this is due to finding out that there is anothe layer beneath... the shadow layer. The hidden realm. I've prided myself on working through a great deal of trauma in my youth, but if I am honest - there is so much more to work through. I've been keeping that at arms length because I swore of being a victim with all of the passion I could muster. I need to be vulnerable, not a victim. I need to find comfort in that. I need to humble myself. As a Mother. As a partner. As self.

So today I am going to promise to purge some of those feelings. I am going to swear to revisit some of my past. I am going to sketch out a map to explore the areas of me that I've left unattended for outward pursuits. I am going to perch myself in the safety and the beauty that is my Lover's enduring heartfelt adoration and I will rest, but I shall not be stagnant. I know that I need not fear now. He shall remain even when confronted by storms and vultures. He is my hero. He is my knight. I want to be a heroine for him. I want to be a heroine for myself and to restore my damaged scar tissue, so that I might be fresh. Please understand that when I speak of perching myself upon the branch of his Love that I do not embark upon this journey for him. I head wholeheartedly inward for myself.... which in turn will eventually benefit all that Love me.

I shall spin myself a cocoon that will allow me to search the shadows. I embark upon this journey with great hope and excitement. I am sure that there will be a great deal of pain and itching as I long to be able to stretch forth my wings and take flight, but I know now that I need die to be reborn. I still carry with me a great deal apparently... from the past. The journey has just begun.

The first step along the journey for me is going to be reconnecting with ritual. I have missed this part of my life. In the past I have spent days planning a ritual, soaked with spiritual symbolism and special trinkets and items to 'charge'. I have journaled religiously. I have even had meditation altars with items of great significance. I need to find room and space for altars again. Meditation altars. I would like to find myself a Motherhood altar... perhaps starting with my Avolekiteshara statue. She is the perfect representation of what I wish to BECOME as a Mother.

<3 Namaste.

in gassho, Love and light
~ Ananda