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Monday, January 17, 2011

There is no Great Plan Here

I haven't really developed a plan yet. I suppose I am just lingering in a doorway. Leaning against the frame, allowing the eyes of my consciousness adjust to the lighting within before I enter. I keep catching glimpses of images scurrying about, but nothing has become clear in detail yet. There has been a connection from one choice to something I experienced in my childhood here and there.... for example - I was thinking about my relationship with Ex. Why did I cling to Ex in such an unhealthy way? I know there are the usual reasons of youth and ignorance. I had no idea what my boundaries were so how could I enforce them? I do feel we were spiritually linked. There was circular karma ages old there. I can make an immediate connection with the young girl I was.... so furious at my Mother for not MAKING it work with my Father. I was so sure that if she had just tried a little bit harder that my sadness would not have to exist. I missed my Daddy. I wanted to be with him. I promised - unconsciously - to make sure that I didn't 'give up' on the people that I Loved. That kept me bound to Ex beyond any conscious choice that I had made. I can see the remnants of this lingering in the shadows inside.... but there is not enough light across the entire expanse to really see clearly the details of the impact it has had.

I am ready to enter, but I have no direction I must travel. Again. I am open. I will walk slowly in presence and let things appear as the light shines upon them. I have gathered some tools. I have books which I am going to read. I have a zafu. I have a yoga mat. I have friends and I have Love.
Allowing myself to accept and to be open has worked really well for me lately. The Universe, God, Love, etc. has been making great efforts to show me that it is rewarding to float. That lying back in the water toes wiggling freely and head turned towards the sky will give the river the freedom to carry me. Sure there will be rocks which will scrape me and maybe even a drop or two... but I shall not drown and I will be stronger because of the journey.
The Books: (the first shift of many)

If you have read any of these books I would be delighted to discuss them with you!
I am also listening to an audio book in my car while I drive to and from work each day. I started listening to The Shadow Effect

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