I was listening to my favorite woman artist of all time. Alanis Morisette giving an interview on Conscious Transitions with Sheryl Paul. She was speaking of her transition from an individualist to that of wife and shortly after wife, mother. She spoke of her fears of letting go of the individualist and entering into the role. She is so very brave and raw and honest with herself and has done so much work to evolve as a human being and I found myself fervently motivated to spend some time with myself. To give over to introspection and to scrape out all of the spurs which have dug themselves so deep that I have become quite used to them. They linger beneath, not in the muscles of emotion or the conscious irritation of nerve endings they are in my bones and I am almost unaware of them. I say almost because I've been so elated, so happy and so in Love that I've slowed in my progress of evolving, but I have had moments of fear. Deep paralyzing fear that manifests itself in strange ways.
I've become complacent with certain matters of the heart. The Love of my life has induced the greatest levels of intimacy I have ever experienced, yet I know that I have also become withdrawn from true intimacy on some levels lately. I would imagine that this is due to finding out that there is anothe layer beneath... the shadow layer. The hidden realm. I've prided myself on working through a great deal of trauma in my youth, but if I am honest - there is so much more to work through. I've been keeping that at arms length because I swore of being a victim with all of the passion I could muster. I need to be vulnerable, not a victim. I need to find comfort in that. I need to humble myself. As a Mother. As a partner. As self.
So today I am going to promise to purge some of those feelings. I am going to swear to revisit some of my past. I am going to sketch out a map to explore the areas of me that I've left unattended for outward pursuits. I am going to perch myself in the safety and the beauty that is my Lover's enduring heartfelt adoration and I will rest, but I shall not be stagnant. I know that I need not fear now. He shall remain even when confronted by storms and vultures. He is my hero. He is my knight. I want to be a heroine for him. I want to be a heroine for myself and to restore my damaged scar tissue, so that I might be fresh. Please understand that when I speak of perching myself upon the branch of his Love that I do not embark upon this journey for him. I head wholeheartedly inward for myself.... which in turn will eventually benefit all that Love me.
I shall spin myself a cocoon that will allow me to search the shadows. I embark upon this journey with great hope and excitement. I am sure that there will be a great deal of pain and itching as I long to be able to stretch forth my wings and take flight, but I know now that I need die to be reborn. I still carry with me a great deal apparently... from the past. The journey has just begun.
The first step along the journey for me is going to be reconnecting with ritual. I have missed this part of my life. In the past I have spent days planning a ritual, soaked with spiritual symbolism and special trinkets and items to 'charge'. I have journaled religiously. I have even had meditation altars with items of great significance. I need to find room and space for altars again. Meditation altars. I would like to find myself a Motherhood altar... perhaps starting with my Avolekiteshara statue. She is the perfect representation of what I wish to BECOME as a Mother.
in gassho, Love and light