My Dad is such a neat guy. I really Love him. Everyone does.... which makes it hard to examine the reality that I know has shaped me as a parent. The behind doors experience of my Father. We had so many wonderful times together and we did a great deal of adventuring. I will always cherish him with all my heart, but I need to find a place of safety to understand that he was fucked up too. That it is ok to acknowledge how fucked up he was. I don't care to confront him... in fact I would not want to. It would not accomplish anything to explain to him all of the damage that he did over the years. I don't want to hurt him. I don't want to hurt his feelings...... that feeling - of wanting to spare him - was always the underlying fuel for the engine that kept me going when I felt like shutting down. Then there were all of the times I shut off and shut down because things were too difficult to deal with. I spent plenty of my life living temporarily as a zombie.
My Father has never been the best at respecting boundaries, patience or appropriateness. When I want to examine this further unfortunately...I experience clouds over clarity. They have created shadows over my ability to see the terrain. On occasion when I talk to him about my daughter I fill with fear - about something unknown - and I cringe when I think about him spending too much time alone with her because I think he will be 'inappropriate' in his conversations - that he won't respect my boundaries as a parent - that he will 'go there' in conversation with her.
I sense enormous amounts of hot molten guilt beneath a thin crust of rock that has become my emotional epidermis. The largest organ protecting me from the truth about my youth.... I walk delicately because I know that I was programmed this way. To fear the eruption.
He just called me at work after having spent the night talking with her. He said that he had a good time because they didn't even watch TV... they just talked. I worry about what they talked about. I worry that he damaged her in one conversation..... because I know. I know that he damaged me.