No More Pencils, No More Books....

As the end of the school year approaches the stress level in our household raises. This year has been a very challenging transition for my daughter. She returned to public school after learning in a home schooled environment. Her journey has been uphill and difficult. She has faced the challenges with bravery, but she definitely would benefit from a tutor.

Education should stimulate and cultivate the best in each student. The current state of affairs in our education system is quite sad. Overcrowded and underfunded schools leave children out on a line without the attention they should be given. It is up to parents to provide suplemental tools for success in the rough waters of todays learning environments.

Our daughter has a dream career in her mind and we wish to help her acheive that dream. She wants to move the world through her writing. She is highly talented and as parents we want to be sure to help her develop that skill.

I recently found a very useful website where parents and students can turn when making preparations to write essays. If you are in need of English paper help this site has phenomenal resources available. You can learn about 'How It Works' by watching an informative video. They offer a plethora of services with focus on several different areas. At TheWritingFaculty.com you will find one on one instruction with highly skilled tutors from the convenience of your home. They offer academic support for English, Literature and History. If your student is interested in developing themselves as a creative writer they offer personalized programs to enhance a variety of writing styles such as short fiction, poetry, novel writing and creative nonfiction. Another exciting program they provide is development of skills utilized in writing professions such as journalism, playwriting, screenwriting, and writing for television.

I hope that you will take a moment to explore this useful resource~

Dear Grandma... I wish you could have met him

Hi Grandma.



I miss you. I can't think about you without a painful surge in my throat and an immediate need for tissues. I wish that I had been better to you.... a better grandaughter. You adored me and gave me the most Love that I have ever received in my life. You were always there.... even if some of the things which you said were impolite and to the point - you always gave it to me straight. No matter what. Thank you. I miss your funny sense of humor and your sharp wit. You were a phenomenal woman. You were the epitome of the NY Jewish Bubby (Grandma - for the yiddish challenged)



I'm eating very well these days. I don't eat animals or milk or cheese... no hardboiled eggs. Some of the food that you Loved would cause me to run today... but I know how important it was to you that I ate well. I wanted you to know that. I eat very well. I also feed my children very well. No twizzlers.... I know how you Loved to feed me those. I did enjoy them when I was little. Thank you for sneaking them into the movie theater all the time.



I wish you could have met Quinn Grandma. You would really Love him. He is respectful and kind and selfless and honest. You would definitely find him handsome and worthy. I am so very sorry that you won't ever have a chance to meet him. I know that he would make you smile often. You two would get along quite nicely.

My Dad is such a neat guy. I really Love him. Everyone does.... which makes it hard to examine the reality that I know has shaped me as a parent. The behind doors experience of my Father. We had so many wonderful times together and we did a great deal of adventuring. I will always cherish him with all my heart, but I need to find a place of safety to understand that he was fucked up too. That it is ok to acknowledge how fucked up he was. I don't care to confront him... in fact I would not want to. It would not accomplish anything to explain to him all of the damage that he did over the years. I don't want to hurt him. I don't want to hurt his feelings...... that feeling - of wanting to spare him - was always the underlying fuel for the engine that kept me going when I felt like shutting down. Then there were all of the times I shut off and shut down because things were too difficult to deal with. I spent plenty of my life living temporarily as a zombie.

My Father has never been the best at respecting boundaries, patience or appropriateness. When I want to examine this further unfortunately...I experience clouds over clarity. They have created shadows over my ability to see the terrain. On occasion when I talk to him about my daughter I fill with fear - about something unknown - and I cringe when I think about him spending too much time alone with her because I think he will be 'inappropriate' in his conversations - that he won't respect my boundaries as a parent - that he will 'go there' in conversation with her.

I sense enormous amounts of hot molten guilt beneath a thin crust of rock that has become my emotional epidermis. The largest organ protecting me from the truth about my youth.... I walk delicately because I know that I was programmed this way. To fear the eruption.

He just called me at work after having spent the night talking with her. He said that he had a good time because they didn't even watch TV... they just talked. I worry about what they talked about. I worry that he damaged her in one conversation..... because I know. I know that he damaged me.

Gratitude Lists and Healthy Oxygen Flow

So lately... I've been doing a bit of a private blog about my struggles with parenting after a childhood of turmoil. I wanted to come here and share some things in public which I felt would benefit others.

Thankfulness and breathing. Two of my favorite states. If you follow your breath you will find beautiful terrain. There is a peaceful path and joyful journey in letting go of your thoughts and entering the blissful state of no mind while breathing very deeply and relaxed.

I make an effort to write in a gratitude journal every day - if I am feeling rather productive I will write in this journal twice a day, but I must at least write in it once daily. If I am rather lazy I will make mental lists and I fail to write them out.... but I try to stay away from doing so because it becomes far too easy to let my gratitude journal slip away from me if I don't stick to developing that habit.

I thought - I might try and start posting to the 'Fruit of Now' regularly with excerpts from my gratitude journal.

Here is the list for this morning:

~ The truth that sets me free
~ Making good choices in my dream last night instead of repeating the same old patterns.
~ Recognizing that Love is better when you give it away.
~ A relationship in which I am constantly a priority and my hapiness is tended to often by my partner.... and that feeling his hapiness is priority to me - it feels good to be selfless
~ For new friends from across the miles.

There is no Great Plan Here

I haven't really developed a plan yet. I suppose I am just lingering in a doorway. Leaning against the frame, allowing the eyes of my consciousness adjust to the lighting within before I enter. I keep catching glimpses of images scurrying about, but nothing has become clear in detail yet. There has been a connection from one choice to something I experienced in my childhood here and there.... for example - I was thinking about my relationship with Ex. Why did I cling to Ex in such an unhealthy way? I know there are the usual reasons of youth and ignorance. I had no idea what my boundaries were so how could I enforce them? I do feel we were spiritually linked. There was circular karma ages old there. I can make an immediate connection with the young girl I was.... so furious at my Mother for not MAKING it work with my Father. I was so sure that if she had just tried a little bit harder that my sadness would not have to exist. I missed my Daddy. I wanted to be with him. I promised - unconsciously - to make sure that I didn't 'give up' on the people that I Loved. That kept me bound to Ex beyond any conscious choice that I had made. I can see the remnants of this lingering in the shadows inside.... but there is not enough light across the entire expanse to really see clearly the details of the impact it has had.

I am ready to enter, but I have no direction I must travel. Again. I am open. I will walk slowly in presence and let things appear as the light shines upon them. I have gathered some tools. I have books which I am going to read. I have a zafu. I have a yoga mat. I have friends and I have Love.

Allowing myself to accept and to be open has worked really well for me lately. The Universe, God, Love, etc. has been making great efforts to show me that it is rewarding to float. That lying back in the water toes wiggling freely and head turned towards the sky will give the river the freedom to carry me. Sure there will be rocks which will scrape me and maybe even a drop or two... but I shall not drown and I will be stronger because of the journey.

The Books: (the first shift of many)

Debbie Ford - 21 Day Consciousness cleanse

Gangaji - The Diamond in Your Pocket

Quiet Mind Open Heart

If you have read any of these books I would be delighted to discuss them with you!

I am also listening to an audio book in my car while I drive to and from work each day. I started listening to The Shadow Effect

Honoring the Fear

I was listening to my favorite woman artist of all time. Alanis Morisette giving an interview on Conscious Transitions with Sheryl Paul. She was speaking of her transition from an individualist to that of wife and shortly after wife, mother. She spoke of her fears of letting go of the individualist and entering into the role. She is so very brave and raw and honest with herself and has done so much work to evolve as a human being and I found myself fervently motivated to spend some time with myself. To give over to introspection and to scrape out all of the spurs which have dug themselves so deep that I have become quite used to them. They linger beneath, not in the muscles of emotion or the conscious irritation of nerve endings they are in my bones and I am almost unaware of them. I say almost because I've been so elated, so happy and so in Love that I've slowed in my progress of evolving, but I have had moments of fear. Deep paralyzing fear that manifests itself in strange ways.

I've become complacent with certain matters of the heart. The Love of my life has induced the greatest levels of intimacy I have ever experienced, yet I know that I have also become withdrawn from true intimacy on some levels lately. I would imagine that this is due to finding out that there is anothe layer beneath... the shadow layer. The hidden realm. I've prided myself on working through a great deal of trauma in my youth, but if I am honest - there is so much more to work through. I've been keeping that at arms length because I swore of being a victim with all of the passion I could muster. I need to be vulnerable, not a victim. I need to find comfort in that. I need to humble myself. As a Mother. As a partner. As self.

So today I am going to promise to purge some of those feelings. I am going to swear to revisit some of my past. I am going to sketch out a map to explore the areas of me that I've left unattended for outward pursuits. I am going to perch myself in the safety and the beauty that is my Lover's enduring heartfelt adoration and I will rest, but I shall not be stagnant. I know that I need not fear now. He shall remain even when confronted by storms and vultures. He is my hero. He is my knight. I want to be a heroine for him. I want to be a heroine for myself and to restore my damaged scar tissue, so that I might be fresh. Please understand that when I speak of perching myself upon the branch of his Love that I do not embark upon this journey for him. I head wholeheartedly inward for myself.... which in turn will eventually benefit all that Love me.

I shall spin myself a cocoon that will allow me to search the shadows. I embark upon this journey with great hope and excitement. I am sure that there will be a great deal of pain and itching as I long to be able to stretch forth my wings and take flight, but I know now that I need die to be reborn. I still carry with me a great deal apparently... from the past. The journey has just begun.

The first step along the journey for me is going to be reconnecting with ritual. I have missed this part of my life. In the past I have spent days planning a ritual, soaked with spiritual symbolism and special trinkets and items to 'charge'. I have journaled religiously. I have even had meditation altars with items of great significance. I need to find room and space for altars again. Meditation altars. I would like to find myself a Motherhood altar... perhaps starting with my Avolekiteshara statue. She is the perfect representation of what I wish to BECOME as a Mother.

<3 Namaste.

in gassho, Love and light
~ Ananda